Did I Watch Empire or Drop Acid?

But…. See…  Now how they….They ain’t said shit bout…Awwww, hell naw…..Oh Shit…Wait who is that…..Is this nword singing…..WHITE WALKER?

This was my internal dialogue last night during THE Empire.

Those 5 of you that follow this blog know that I am not very faithful to it.  It’s hard for me to write when I’m not inspired to do so.  I usually just share my genius with the world via Facebook, which will never make me any money.  So when Gaylane told me to get off of Facebook last night and dedicate myself to gem dropping on my own post, I did.

It keeps the lights on in my place of employment and I encourage you to continue to watch it (like I had to).  However, I’m not a superfan of the show.  From the onset it just felt like the writers were throwing everything at you at breakneck speed.  I made allowances for that during the pilot.  The pilot is your best shot – ya gotta give it all you got.   Couple weeks in, it settled into itself and found a groove.  But last night, it seemed to have returned to pilot form with the writers saying, “hey, all that shit we didn’t fit into the last 9 episodes, throw it in.”  The result was a fever dream for me.  I was having so many what the fuck moments….and now, in no particular order, for your reading pleasure, here they are…..

Did this child just sing at a rap battle?

This gave me agita from the top of the scene.  I felt an 8 Mile rip off coming.  And off it came.  My lil nephew from the D told me that while it does not often happen,  it is not unheard of for someone to sing at a battle.  I hope he was lying to me.  And who exactly wrote, Boo-Boo is it, who exactly wrote his rhymes?  I heard music industry people are heavily involved creatively in this show….they need to get more heavily involved.  Boo-boo’s battle rap was straight gah-bige.  Jamal’s song wasn’t much better.  Hip Hop is too homophobic, they would have ran his ass straight up outta there.

My Name ain’t Squeak.  It’s Mary Alice.

This fool Lucious dropped a bomb on us!!!!  A bomb that exploded with the full force of  a piece of tissue landing on another piece of tissue.  His real name is White Walker.  Awwwww shit, Lucious bout to pop up in Game of Thrones!!! Yes, it’s on like Donkey Kong!!!!!  Oops, that’s  just T. Howard’s grating ass voice causing confusion – his bad, DWIGHT Walker. Changed his name because the world would have torn up a Dwight, but not a Lucious.  Mmmmmmkay.  For one, no one cares.  And for two, no one cares.  This added nothing to the story.

Present Time! 

Who doesn’t love a present? I know I do.  I would be so excited opening a big assed gaudy gold chain.  Or a big assed gaudy gold stick to represent a donation to a foundation.  Or a big assed gaudy gold whatever the hell that was he gave Jamal to symbolize his takeover of Empire – which btw, why is a successor needed again, now that he ain’t dying?  But what confuzzled me in this scene was his gift of a pillow to Cooks.  Ummmm, ma’am, you JUST (I assume, cuz what’s a timeline to this show) tried to smother him – with a pillow.  Did it not dawn on you to ask WHY he was giving you a pillow?  Did you not know the jig was up at that moment?  And Lucious….you stayed cool with her thereafter for WHAT reason exactly?

4.  JHUD

Psychiatrist?  Counselor?  Church Girl?  Singer?  Performer?  Miracle Worker/Healer who healed Andre in record time just by playing the piano with him? All of the above?  Listen, I may be in the minority here, but I’m not a fan.  I’m not quite sure who her fan base is.  I mean we all root for the hometown kid, with that tragic assed backstory.  I wanna see her win allllllllllways  allllllsthetimes.  But, if I never saw her perform in anything ever again, that would be okay with me too.  She ruined the Sex and the City movie for me.  RUINED IT.  So glad Andre is back with his chick….I hope to never see her again.

White Women Can ALWAYS Call the Police

No further commentary required.

Jamal Knight

Couple weeks ago, Bender (get it?) straight went Omar (get that?) on Lucious when they met up in the skreets for their lil sword swinging session over whatever the hell they were beefing bout.  Now, a couple weeks later (again, cuz what is time?) Jamal busts up in his joint and Vanilla Ice’s him annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd nothin? No retribution?  No dance off?  No rap battle?  No gun fight?  Nah son.  I ain’t going.

It’s a crap ton of other moments that had me fucked up, like the ENTIRE second hour.  The first hour was a good as this show gets.  If it ended with Cookie getting that pillow, that would have been a perfect ending and I would have stood up, okay, I would have SAT up and gave a slow clap.  But that second hour had me questioning my sobriety.  All I know is hostile takeover, crystal vs. alexis smackdown, lucious in jail.

I’m encouraged tho.  This runaway hit has gotten a full season order and they now have time to flush out characters and storylines.  Season two should be awesome.

Oh, one more thing, if you see Becky out in them skreets, tell her no one cares her mother is white and moreover, no one believes her.



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