“What the fuck did I just watch?”
“I feel scared.”
“I don’t know that I have the mental fortitude to watch this.”
“WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” (In response to a crying emoji.)
What follows is the story of how the first MyMoviealogy post came to be.
I was sittin, chilling, minding my bidness, perusing the Good Book, when a Suster H, a trusted source, inboxed and asked if I’d seen Strange Thing About the Johnsons. I told her I had not. She told me, you GOTTA watch. Its an old flick, but shits trending for some reason, gotta blog bout it. She’s from the same tribe as me, so I told her I would google it and check it out. So, I clicked on the first youtube link I saw, which was 3:30 of my life that I wish I could rewind, but let’s table that for a moment. We open to just a ‘fapping’ sound….no visuals, just a black screen and fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap. At this point my heart is racing, my stomach drops and Im filled with a sense of impending doom. Think how it felt when we heard what The Gimp was doing to Marcellus Wallace before we saw it. I know I got a witness somewhere.
Disclaimer #1. I am a punk. I love scary movies. If I go see one and no man has attained semi-regular cold side of bed clearance, my 41 year old ass will still go sleep at my mommas house. Very possibly in her bed.
Disclaimer #2. I’m really good at scaring myself. I used to be part of a twitter group called Dateline Divas, but I couldn’t stand the pressure and anxiety of watching and commenting on true crime stories every Friday night. Every single time and I mean everysingletime I return from vacation to my deluxe apartment in the sky, which has 24 hour round the clock security, I walk thru this bitch with a butcher knife in one hand snatching back shower curtains and snatching open closets doors with the strength of 40,ooo slaves, wishing a mofo would, but praying they wouldn’t – because I’m a punk.
I tell you these two things, to give you context of why the fapping disturbed me so much – because, well, I’m a punk. After an eternity, we open to a sheet furiously moving back and forward and my spirit is restored. Clearly, a young black man is taking the time for a lil solo afternoon delight. He is holding a picture of his latest greatest inspiration which is jussssssssssst out of focus. The door flies open and a very Heathcliffish old man walks in an catches him red handed, literally. AW YEAH! This the black American Pie! I am ready for some laughs! A slight twinkle returns to my eye as I anticipate all the laughs I’m finna have. The dad gives him the standard issue talk, how everyone does it, how there is nothing to be ashamed of. The son asks the standard issue questions, does dad do it, how often, etc. The dad tells the boy he’s gonna let him get back to it – hardy har har har – and prepares to exit. He stops at the door and assures the boy he is loved by his old man. The boy falls back down on the bed in relief and relaxes his hand just enough to reveal the object of his affection, the person on the picture…..the man that just left the room. His dad.
Dear Madams and Sirs,
I regret to inform you that you have now reached the end of the first MyMoviealogy post. There is no way in hell I can accurately described what I think followed and now know the broad strokes of. I know because I watched reaction videos on youtube and read the comments. So when I say there is NOT ONE WAY I can accurately and succinctly and wittily describe this madness, please believe me. I implored this PREVIOUSLY trusted source to write this review, since she had the ovaries to watch this shit, but she denied me, so….here we are. Me reviewing/recapping a movie that I have never seen. Sorry to have wasted your time or perhaps made you lose your eggmcmuffin/chipotle/flaxseed smoothie/latest tasty recipe leftovers you caught Margie from Sales “just moving to the side to make room” in the break room fridge, but someone had to suffer other than me.
If you are so inclined; If you like watching true horror; If you want to have a strong negative film experience, one that may possibly rob you of sleep, google that shit like I did. Im not even linking to that horrific shit. 3o minutes of pure……something.
You’ve been warned.