Hey Kids — Memorial Day is done and now it’s time for the serious business of getting that summer gear together. Now, I have plenty to say about the ladies and their various fashion offenses – be on the lookout for my blazing new single, Guts, Butts and Lacefronts®, hitting ya ears summer16. However, for now, you will have to lend your eyes to Myalogy contributor Brendan, known on the low and high ends as Big Man. He wants to help out our extra-cushion-for-the-pushin guys, in an effort to keep them fly……….
You know there are a lot of outlets and articles giving the regular size people tips on fashion. But who is the voice for the Big Guy? Now before we dig into this valuable info lets decipher who a big guy is because some of you cats got it twisted. I got love for ya but you’re NOT a big guy if you;
aren’t at least 6’2
don’t weigh at least 250lbs
don’t have difficulty fitting in regular size cars
don’t get chased and harassed by short women (5’5 and under)
aren’t asked to grab something off the top shelf
don’t have more than 2 XX’s in the tag of your clothes
have never been asked by a total stranger “Do you play football/basketball”
Sorry fellas, if none of these things apply to you may need to pass this along to your boy who wears a size 15 shoe and you always feel safe around, so you talk mad shit cause you got your “team”.
Now that we got that out the way, I want to hook my “Fully Evolved©”, (that’s copy written by the way, so don’t pull it or ill sue your ass!) brethren up on 5 FASHION TIPS FOR THE BIG GUY THIS SUMMER. Big fellas you have to remember you’re automatically going to get attention. We are not the norm, and we attract attention. Chicks dig big men (Biggie put us on…RIP). Command the room! Nothing is sadder than a big dude with clothes on that just don’t look right. My grandmother use to tell me “Baby you’re going to be the biggest thing in the room, you better OWN it!” When a man’s clothes fit properly or he understand fashion trends and tailors that to fit his body he stands apart from the average guy, and this applies no matter the size. Women love men who look good and smell good. Yea we have a few fashion challenges but just like you invest in your car, your 401k and that bottle of Glenlivet 15 yr. (yea get up on it if you’re not), you should invest in your wardrobe.
←THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT MY DUDE!
And by the way, if anyone questions my right to speak on this subject, I am 6’4, 280lbs, and former offensive lineman. I check all off boxes…….anyway…HERE WE GO!
1. SAY NO TO THE BLUE JEAN SHORTS!!!
Fellas, the 90’s called and they want their blue jean shorts back! Let it go! There are so many options when it comes to shorts selection. Why wear them hot ass, heavy, jean shorts that make your ball sack smell like rhino spit? Grab you a pair of nice cargo shorts, camo, or even some simple casual khaki shorts (khaki comes in all colors). Remember you’re not a hip hop artist from 1997 no matter how many Nas or No Limit songs you know! Give it up! Caveat: The exception to this rule is a nice pair of distressed jean shorts…but if you needed this tip about blue jeans shorts, you aren’t ready for that level of fashion, but see below for the difference;
YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE? You want to make a statement, not just put some shit on!
2. INVEST IN SOME NICE SOCKS…NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR TREE TRUNKS IN WHITE CREW SOCKS!
Dude! Are you still wearing the exact same socks you wore to gym in high school? Really?
The same white socks with the string unraveling the elastic around the top? C’mon son!
Time for an upgrade! A grown man should have a new rotation of socks (and draws or underwear for the non ebonic audience) every few months. You look like a goofy getting undressed in front of a woman in socks her son wears! STOP IT! Invest in some nice quality socks from any department store, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s Rack etc. Be creative, there are no rules for socks other than they more unique the more attention you get from woman and lets be for real, that’s what you want right? And if you can’t step outside your box far enough to rock the creative socks, then just don’t wear any with shorts! It’s too damn hot anyway! NICE!!
3. YOU CANT WEAR JUMPERS/SNEAKERS EVERYWHERE, GRAB YOU SOME CASUAL SHOES!
Bro! Yes your Jordan game is sick, and yes they are a premium shoe but you can’t wear Jordan’s or Air force 1’s every damn where! It sickens me to see a big guy fresh to death at a casual or upscale event and he got on gym shoes (I’m from the Chi, that’s what we say, do something about it!). Plenty of shoe companies sell our sizes in nice casual shoes. Stacy Adams has upgraded, I REPEAT STACY ADAMS HAS UPGRADED! For $80 you can have on a nice pair of shoes at a summer event and not look like Baby Huey who momma dressed him and he cried because he couldn’t wear his Bug’s Bunny Jordan’s! Boat shoes, driving loafers, hell even Ugg has some nice casual shoes for men, and they go up to a 16! Look the part, not like the overgrown kid.
4. NO MATCHING LINEN SHIRT AND PANTS COMBO’S!
SIGH……..Man look! Who the hell told big dudes they had to have a matching short sleeve linen shirt to go with linen pants? Who did it/ Imma slap FIRE from whoever sent my people off! This is the worst fashion decision since Mandel’s (I will have a full article in the future about these God forsaken atrocities passed off as footwear). Dudes who rock matching linen fits look like knock off pimps and bootleg Miami drug dealers who still selling nickel bags. Stop with the matchy matchy shit! I KNOW YOU GOT INVITED TO AN ALL WHITE PARTY AND THE SELECTION IS SLIM BUT THAT DON’T MEAN GO LOOKING LIKE YOUR UNCLE FRED WHO JUST GOT OUT THE JOINT 4 YEARS AGO. Find a nice pair of linen pants (or NOT) and find another type of shirt. A white cotton button up shirt with a print would look cool, or even wear a crisp white t-shirt. NOT THE WHITE T YOU BEEN WEARING UNDER YOUR WORK SHIRT THE LAST TWO WEEKS. Brand new, CRISP, that fits! Step outside your box please brothers, we look bad at times out here and I can’t take it anymore. Remember no more of Uncle Maurice’s linen suits! You don’t have to match linen with linen………Glad I got that off my chest.
5. DON’T YOU TUCK THAT POLO SHIRT!
DON’T YOU DO IT! You know you got that belly! Don’t you accentuate it by tucking that damn shirt in! Now you look like Uncle Carl from Family Matters, just taller! A man with a stomach should not tuck his shirt unless it’s a dress suit in a professional environment. Especially a polo style shirt. It does not look cool, it looks uncomfortable and NO man should button the top button of a polo shirt. THAT is not a statement your making, that’s you admitting you have no clue and Urkel is your hero. If you want her to rub that big ass belly you better not accentuate that joint until she get you out them clothes! If I don’t care if it is Ralph Lauren, if I see you with a tucked shirt I’m pulling that joint out and now you got to walk around with the bottom of your shirt wrinkled, that’s real classy!
Basically fellas, let’s stop dressing just to have clothes on and let’s make a statement. Everybody is going to see you; you might as well own it! Nothing is worse that a big guy who shrinks when he walks in a room and everyone is more confident when they look nice. Replace worn items, wash them regularly and make sure they fit. FIT! That’s another hour conversation. Fellas, make sure it fits. Whatever size shirt you have been wearing…….grab a size smaller, trust me, it looks better. Your jeans or pants should not have a gap in the waist when you put on a belt. They shouldn’t drag the ground either. Look the part, be the part…we are the FULLY EVELOVED© man. LETS SHOW EM HOW TO DO THIS SON!!
OH AND JUST IN CASE YOU WONDERED IF I PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH…I DO THIS, I AINT NEW TO THIS.
B.M.I.C. – OUT!!
Find me on Facebook under Brendan Richardson or don’t, who cares……….