Author name: Mya

Cuz clearly you fools skim thru current events and politics without listening to it. Im literally confused.  I dont know where to start.  All the capin over diaperbooty’s baby favah’s white is rightdom.  All the black people that want a rapist to be free cuz he looks like them or cuz some white man did something similar.  And all the “but what did she do” over God’s son’s alleged crimes, all this shit has left me at a loss.  And Im not gonna even delve into the Tullamore Dew inspired barbershop talk I had to endure over the weekend, cuz offended, underinformed black men offa whiskey……whew lawd.  Anyway…..I thought at the end of that particular fiasco, I would at least be able to go home and catch the White House Correspondents Dinner (WHCD) and get some laughs.  And I was right…a woman was in charge of the roasting and she did not disappoint.  I thought she was funny. She made me chuckle a couple of times.  Turned the shit off.  Thought nothing more about it.  Went to sleep and woke up firmly in Trumperica, a worse, more vile, more white, more outraged,  more politically incorrect -when it comes to “minorities” ONLY – version of our normal shit hole, where black folks in Flint and Chicago are drinking poisoned water, America. Now because I pay attention to life, I KNOW there was nothing out of pocket or wrong about Michelle Wolf’s routine.  Men have been pulling zero punches at this event FOR YEARS.  One would even argue the last president to attend and speak at the WHCD, got us our current orange inflamed boil on the ass of EARF assed president, with his pointed remarks, which you can learn about here, cuz your outrage clues me in to the fact that you didn’t know Barack Obama was talking cash money shit about a lot of people in that room in 2011. From what I can glean thru your bared teeth, all this outrage – how many time have I typed that word in this piece – is centered around one of the least sympathetic figures in the whole administration – Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and I want all the points allotted for not making a pun out of her name, as I am wont to do.  This horrid heap of malicious prevarications doesnt deserve respect, deference or even slight consideration of her feelings when she wakes up every day working for a country, cuz thats who they both work for, that she lies to without hesitation. Im struggling hard to see what Wolf said that was so terrible.  That she’s a liar?  WELL SHE IS and she seems pretty comfortable with it.  Who are me to judge?  That she spins those lies into ash to create the perfect smokey eye?  Who the fuck is she?  Hagrid or Dumbldeedworhwwoeof or whoever? Calm down people, her face notwithstanding, she is not a witch.  It is impossible to change lies into eyeshadow.  That she is a disappointment to white women?  Judging from how they turned out for her bossman, thats a hard sell but hey, even a broken clock is correct twice a day.   Knowing a COMEDIAN delivered all these lines makes it all the more jarring that folks are so upset bout her words. Larry Wilmore literally got on stage and called Barack a nigga. Hasan Minaj literally got on stage and called Steve Bannon a nazi. Stephen Colbert literally got on stage and said Bush did nothing but stage “Mission Accomplished” photo ops. Seth Meyers literally got on stage and said it looks like Dump wears a fox on his head; and compared him to a rusty bird cage; and said he sounds poor; and he would be a joke of a candidate.  He also said that if Barack’s hair got any whiter, the Tea Party would endorse it. These men got on stage and said all of what I’ve cited above and worse.  Yet this fellow comedian cracks a joke about eyeshadow and suddenly the world is adrift.  An administration that has mocked and showed disdain to and for: blacks, poor people, the disabled, mexicans, women, immigrants, Africa, muslims, soldiers, the FBI, hostile foreign agents and his own dumb ass supporters, who he said could watch him shoot someone and still elect him, are suddenly bastions of virtue and are not to be mocked, even though they mock us every, and I do mean every, day with those farces of press briefings and the positioning the media as the true enemy of the state. I wonder what the difference is between Michelle and Larry, Hasan, Stephen and Seth? Just joking…..ITS HER VAGINA.  HER TITS.  HER ABILITY TO THINK AND CRITIQUE EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A VAGINA AND TITS.  Women are so widely reviled, even by their own that there was no way that this woman was just up there continuing a tradition set forth by her brethren in comedy, who I pray are supporting her this morning.  She had to be doing something way more nefarious, more sinister, more wrong. My love for Shelly from the Southside notwithstanding, this whole we go high thing is some straight up fuckshit.  It allowed the Obamas to look relatively unscathed in the insurmountable herculean challenges they faced on the daily.  The rest of us are free to get our street brawl on and we should, just as Larry and Hasan and Stephen and Seth were allowed to do and Michelle should be allowed to do without all the sad dicks and the women that love them shrivelling up and heading into these innanet streets to riot.  I read a tweet this morning by Jelani Cobb, a fave, that said “civility will not save you,”  and it wont, cuz it hasnt.  Not ever in the history of the world has civility saved anyone.  You can get mad, but it got MLK a rock to the head, but it didn’t give your black ass civil rights,

I mean what the fuck. Yall know that I do NOT care, cuz I am strictly #navy but, never let it be said about me that I do not have my finger on the pulse of the cultural zeitgeist. I thought by the time I woke up, Damon & Panama would have tackled this subject or the beyhive would have outed the culprit, but nope.  On this here 27th day of March, Eight ante meridian in the 2018th year since people started counting, the mystery remains:  WHO THE FUCK BIT BEYONCE? You dont know what I’m talmbout?  Let me catch you up.  Everyone’s fave, Tiffany Haddish, which is Eritrean for “the bitch you don’t want around when shit is going down,” ran that yap she loves to run and spilled the following in an interview with GQ about this most heinous offense: “There was this actress there,” continues Haddish, keeping her voice low, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.” One of the most things she did? “She bit Beyoncé in the face.” Haddish declines to name the actress. (“I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge,” said Beyoncé’s representative, Yvette Noel-Schure, when GQ sought confirmation from the singer.) “So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish says, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ” “And so then…,” she continues, “a lot of things happened.” According to Haddish, she and the actress continued to cross paths throughout the night, culminating in a brief standoff. The actress, at one point, told Haddish to stop dancing, which—good luck making that happen. “And then Beyoncé and Jay-Z walked by me, and I tapped Beyoncé.” Haddish says she told Beyoncé, “I’m going to beat somebody ass at your party. I just want to let you know that.” Beyoncé asked her not to—told her to “have fun” instead. (Haddish leveraged this moment into a selfie with Beyoncé.) “Near the end of the party,” says Haddish, describing her final run-in with Mrs. Carter sometime later, “Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’ ” Hmmmmm, do we have, Myalogists, a fair amount of information on which to base an actual claim?  I have some ideas.  Here, in no particular order, are my suspects. Maia Campbell – stick with me on this.  Now, she used to date Jay and we have proof on how much of a whore he is, so maybe he likes to keep his hoes close and thats why she was at the party.  There she is in this pic, looking pretty comparatively healthy in front of an Uptown step and repeat, so we can deduce she still gets invited to stuff.   Bey said the “bitch” in question was not drunk, but on drugs, which certainly jibes with what we know of Ms. Campbell.  Still, if she was at the party, I cant see her being able to get close to yall’s queen, nor B knowing what ol girl was or was not like all of the time, so imma stick a pin in this one.   Probablity:  .5 out of 5  Sanaa Lathan – it was confirmed that she was at the party.  The Beyhive went on FULL attack when they figured out that she not only attended Jay’s concert, but also the afterparty where the bite in question occurred.  Now, Sanaa is Hollywood Royalty and is used to nice things, so not only can I see her not biting B, but I can also see her being past the whole sex, drugs and rock’n’roll thing.  Plus she denied it, and knowing all parties involved and how Haddish can not hold water, it’s highly unlikely she would deny something she knew a blabbermouth knew to be true.    Probability:  0 out of 5    Rosario Dawson – oh Rosie…she that is rumored to be the subject of Jay’s Lost Ones.  Not one of the hoes nor concubines, but one he actually loved.  It would make more sense if Beyonce bit her on the face.  She was dating this Eric Andre dude, she apparently was over the moon about, but for some reason, they broke up in December of 2017, the SAME DECEMBER OF 2017 in which Beyonce was bit.  At this same party, you will remember B had to shoo some home wrecking heffa away from J.  Maybe she tried to take a chunk out of Bey’s beauty in an attempt to make her not as attractive to her husband.  Hmmmmm, the drugs seem a stretch and again, I cant see Bey hanging with someone Jay actually loved.  Probability 1.5 out of 5    Taraji P. Henson – yall already know fam aint do this, but i needed to take up space.  She too damn cool, got too many jobsssssssssssss and a fine ass boyfriend who buys her cute dogs, plus Gangsta Tiff already said it wasnt her.  Probability: 0 out of 5       Issa Rae – this one hurt me to add.  and the only reason I added her is because King Chrissy Teigen was shocked when she found out who it was – and who would be more shocking than this?! She lives in Cali and her dad has a medical office in Inglewood, the city that is home to the scene of the crime.  Bey was able to keep her cool, cuz she KNEW that whoever did this was in an altered state and not themselves – proving that like Chrissy, she has some affinity for this person as well. 

I read, therefore I write. – Mya Now you can interpret the word “read” in the above as past or present tense, but the fact is, the only reason I ever developed a love of writing is because I read first. My mother was an educator on the south side of Chicago for over 30 years and aside from shaping the mind of one future fly ass first lady, she shaped the minds of her children.  My brother got the numbers gift, I got the mastery of words. Weekly my mother would take us to the Beverly Branch of the Chicago Public Library and I would roam the stacks for hours.  The new Babysitter’s Club or some YA novel that had some girl looking forlornly at a guy not paying attention to her on the cover were enough to transplant me to another world.  She also made sure I had plenty of magazine subscriptions.  There were always magazines our house.  Blacks folks twin pillars of journalism, Ebony and Jet had a permanent home on her coffee table.  US News and World Report,  Newsweek and Time got a limited appearance before they were trashed after reading.  After I got too old for Highlights, lol, I started getting Omni, a science mag.  After I got too cool for Omni, I started getting Sassy and YM.  While all this magazining was going on, I was a voracious reader of the Chicago Sun Times.  Columnists Michael Sneed, Richard Roeper, Robert Feder, Omarr Starr (i think) and Kelz’s favorite journalist Jim DeRogatis all played major part in formulating my world view – especially snarky ass Richard Roeper, who I ended up having the pleasure of working with and telling how much he impacted me.  Once I went through my political awakening, I subscribed to a magazine that included all my loves and passsions, pop culture, celebrity news, and politics…the dearly departed George, helmed by John F. Kennedy Jr.’s dearly departed ass.  When he died, so did the magazine. I was sick for months, over both losses.  I still have that last edition of George – with his handsome ass peering out from the afterlife and its cover – it’s hanging over my….anyway….the point is, I love print journalism.  I love it so much that yesterday’s suckerpunch in a very long dirty fight left me verklempt. I awoke to the news that Teen Vogue was folding its print edition.  Now, you are asking why I would be reading Teen Vogue when I am <redacted>  years old.  Well, I’m looking at your ass wondering why you were not.  Helmed by the magical black girl, Elaine Welteroth, Teen Vogue was DOING WERK.  During this last shammockery of a campaign season, those people lead the charge on the most important issues of the day.  With Titles like the hard-hitting “Donald Trump is Gaslighting America” by Lauren Duca, the young magazine was gaining the accolades of many, including celebrated journalist Dan Rather.  I was so impressed with the job they were doing, I got my 13 year old cousin a subscription.  The morning her mom sent me a picture of her laying on the couch reading the mag, I felt like a proud fucking parent. But cash is king and Conde Nast, Teen Vogue’s parent company is bleeding it, so budget cuts win the day.  It lives on digitally, but its not the same as the joy I feel turning actual pages.  I guess my joy is over. Tried as I may to go on with my day, as if another piece of me hadn’t die, I was stopped dead in my tracks at the next piece of news.  DNAInfo, damn near the heart and soul of the Chicago news scene was shuttering its operations at the very moment I was reading it.  Just moments earlier Andrew Herrmann, senior editor of the publication, was standing in our newsroom discussing his next appearance, blissfully unaware of the way his life and so many lives were about to change.  And I mean that literally, reporters were actively working on stories when their systems were like, “NOPE.” Unlike the two, excuse me, one newspaper here (The SunTimes is now a pamplet), there wasnt a SouthSide/NorthSide bias.  The folks over at DNA were dedicated to reporting on the entirety of the city….down to and especially, the neighborhoods.  It broke stories like how CPD Officers purposely damaged body cams.  It broke stories about local heroes like Jahmal Cole, of My Block, My City, My Hood, which lead to me booking him at my news operation.  I’d argue that many local news outlets and content creators checked the pages of DNA while building their shows and social media posts.  Brought on by the desire of the writers to unionize, Joe Ricketts, shuttered the beloved operation because, as he stated, “DNAinfo is, at the end of the day, a business, and businesses need to be economically successful if they are to endure.” Sigh.  He’s right, but sigh. Life is change.  It is the only thing that is constant in life….and maybe technology.  Technology persists….taking away so many things, civlity, actual conversations, empathy, phone calls, brick and mortar businesses and print publications with it.  

My outrage couldn’t let me just repost my original piece, as was my first inclination.  I had to update this, cuz this ape faced muthafucka wants an additional THIRTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER MONTH from our Queen.  This trash heap originally requested $129,319, but only – ONLY – got $30k, after destroying his marriage by fucking a woman he brought into his wife’s professional and personal life, but what’s a little betrayal when you have bananas to buy? This nigger, cuz ignorant, claims that she has $275,476 a month just laying around that she can pay him in the form of spousal support.  Why does he think he is entitled to more of her money? Because this cancer, the disease, not the sign, claims he cannot find work since Mary has slandered him in interviews and her music, which is usually happy, but is only sad because she is getting divorced.  His claim is not totally without merit.  In a September interview Mary had said: “I thought someone loved me, right? Turns out, he was a con artist and he didn’t, and now he’s coming after me for all my money,” she said while promoting her film Mudbound. “When you come out of something like that, you realize you were never the one. There was someone else that was his queen. I got played. I got suckered. I have to keep smiling and keep my spirits up because this is designed to kill me.” WHERE IS THE LIE? Raise your hand if you heard of Kendu Isaacs prior to him marrying her.  Raise your hand if you knew what J-O-B  Kendu had prior to her.  Raise your hand if you know that on his watch Mary did an ill advised Burger King commercial or that she sang an awkward hymn in front of Hillary Rodham Clinton that embarassed all the saints and ancestors.  Perhaps THOSE are among the reasons that you cannot find work, you diseased rhinoceras pizzle.  Im sitting up here wondering why he can’t make no money offa his slutheffa Starshell aka WE WILL NEVER BUY YOUR MUSIC CUZ YOU CAME FOR THE QUEEN.  Probably because he knows we will never buy her music cuz she came for the queen.  It takes a special kind of low life human form of herpes to ingratiate your hoe to your wife.  And it takes a special kind of fucking moron to mess up your meal ticket when you aint got shit else. I wasn’t there and I don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if she started tooting blows again.  I don’t know if he got some Superhead.  I don’t know if her and KC had a later dinner and word got back.  I don’t know if he found out that Caesar from Planet of the Apes is his real dad and she wasn’t into beastiality. But I do know, that he signed a pre-nup, which should be a non-contestable, iron-clad, document regardless of what genitalia the signers possess. And another thing I know, is that there are many, some may even say, myriad things that I would do #BeforeIGaveKendu, one thin dime of money outside of what we agreed to prior to marrying – here those things are, in no particular order. His Initial Requests:     Sarah Huckabee Sanders would get all my money for a makeover #BeforeIGaveKendu $5.732k for groceries. Every bookstore/website in #murrica would get all my money for every existing and pre-order copy of every book Bill O’Reilly ever wrote #BeforeIGaveKendu $8k for a private chef. KellyAnne Conway would get all my money to teach a seminar on honesty in media #BeforeIGaveKendu $1k for clothes to cover his ashy ass. RKelly would get all my money to watch my 14 year old niece for the summer #BeforeIGaveKendu $5k to continue paying his parents each month. The Kardashian’s would get all my money to found The Institute to Preserve Black Men #BeforeIGaveKendu $71k for his rental properties. Newscorp would get all my money to help settle the myriad sexual harassment lawsuits levvied against them #BeforeIGaveKendu $5k to support HIS two youngest children.  Mona Scott Young would get all my money to start her own network #BeforeIGaveKendu $2.5k for auto expenses and transportation.  I’d pay 21 Savage to fuck me #BeforeIGaveKendu $5.708k for maintenance and repair on his properties. Charlie Sheen would get all my money in exchange for some unprotected Tiger Blood lovin #BeforeIGaveKendu $21.677k for charitable donations. By no means is this list exhaustive, just a reference point for how a man, who had a career – allegedly- before we met, I went on to hire, kept on after we married, and showed his gratitude by letting his hoe lay up in his wife’s house, wouldn’t get one dime over what we agreed to prior to marrying. Dick up, Loser. What would you give all your money to before his fugly ass?  Hit them comments!  

NOTE:  If you are a huge Queen Sugar fan, you are going to want to watch the video at the end.  And I don’t mean huge like “I watch every week.”  I mean HUGE.  That’s all I can say….. Hey Y’all Hey! This is not a recap – so don’t look for any insight or deep thoughts. All you can expect from my Sweet Nothings franchise is the bullshit that runs through my head during the show.  So I don’t wanna hear NO SHIT bout what I didn’t cover, nor address.  #letsgo  Aunt Vi ol’ sage ass.  Staying out of RA and Darla’s wedding.  #loveshe “Not if we ain’t playing out the same playbook!” SAY THAT SHIT NOVA. Whose zoomin who, Davis? Wanting that ol thing back face fool. “Father Neglect” done hit up the Brown Sugar Fest, y’all. Scrabble Date Bitches! <3 Robert Foreman is fine as fuck. Micah!  Boy you better text me when you finna walk thru my gotdamn door with your punk ass daddy! Speaking of punk ass daddies, Davis could you leave? Okay, thanks for the tips Davis, now again, could you leave? Um, no thanks but Imma kid, so Imma call you Mr. West.  Who raised you Davis? Landry done shut down the damn roads.  Do he have Jesus on the Mainline? Cuz he made it rain that day too. oh RA, men be ready to do anything until they hear what anything entails. Ra? Nova?  Y’all know damn well how Davis hoe ass knows Tamar Judith. Speaking of which, Charlie aint like that shit.  Sitting in the corner, watching her sing over her glasses, eating her banana? Nah, she didnt like that shit at all. I wanna see great things for Darla. TAKE DAT KISS DAVIS!  IN YO FACE! Come thru Ms. Kiki Raymond Shepard! Nova better get with Robert and get their Mary Matalin and James Carville on. Oh wait…James accepts Mary just as she is, unlike Robert…never mind. “I shouldn’t have to disappear into you to make it work” – strumming my pain with his fingers “You’re a good man, but you’re no good for me.” – singing my life with his words “I don’t need you to dream for me.” – killing me softly with his song Tamar may not be a big deal, but Robert Foreman is, Davis.  IN YOU FACE TWO TIMES. Dis nigga sorry. #foh PREVIEW: Oh Lordt, is these people not finna make it to the altar?  Prolly not huh? AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU HAVE  BEEN WAITING FOR!  

I am a daughter , a niece, a sister, an aunt – to men.  So what you are about to read will not be a full scale indictment on men, but it’s definitely about them, because they are from whom my experiences hail.  Harvey Weinstein, not unlike Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, Bill O’Reilly, and Roger Ailes, and his many many alleged – and you know why I typed alleged – assaults have brought sexual misconduct to the forefront of the cultural zeitgeist.  Whenever something like this happens, we all sit and wonder; some of us, why it wasn’t reported earlier, later, sooner, quicker to the police, their spouses, their human resources department or their friends; and some of us wonder how the rest of us are sitting questioning something they have obviously never been through; cuz honestly, if you knew better, you would do, think and say better. This morning I joined the #metoo movement, where women from all walks of life, aged sixteen to sixty and poverty stricken to posh ladies who lunch, have recounted their harassment or maybe even rape at the hands of our number enemy, a predatory man.  Waking up to all those hashtagged posts made me recount, not so much my own situation, but the REACTION to my situation. Earlier this year I was a weekly contributor to a morning radio show here in Chicago.  During one of my earliest segments, which I believe was about Dr. Cosby, I recounted my story.  It involved a co-worker I’d known at that point over 10 years, a beloved one. If I had to guess, I’d say this person was pretty beloved throughout Chicago.  It’d been some time since I’d seen him, so when he invited me to lunch, I happily accepted.  He told me to sit tight, that he was going to get his car and to meet him outside.  About 10 minutes later or so, he pulled up and I jumped in the passenger seat.  We engaged in some light banter and shit talkin – the kind only old pals can have.  Now, we worked in a pretty populated area, with restaurants as far as the eye can see, so when we began to make our descent on to Lower Wacker, I was confused, but not worried.  In fact, I wasn’t even worried when he mentioned that we were driving under a co-worker’s building, to which I replied: “I did not know that.” To which he replied: “Here’s what I know…I need you to kiss me right now.” What followed wasn’t physical, but it was extremely uncomfortable.  He began to explain how much he wanted me and how much he’d always wanted me.  How his wife was out of town and probably wouldn’t mind anyway. How hot I was.  How many times he had to calm himself down when he saw me.  I was having zero parts of that fuckshit and demanded he drive me back up stairs.  He finally did, after attempting to plead his case.  Once I was back safely in the view of folks, as if a woman can ever be truly safe in public, he meekly apologized and I boldly told him to fuck the fuck off and don’t ever… So imagine my horror at the reactions to this story, told in an effort to explain, educate, or edify how assault doesn’t have to always be reported and can come from the disheveled man following a woman home from the bus stop or the jock that just wants you to have one more beer before heading to his dorm, a woman can be hurt, and sometimes likely so, by someone she knows and trusts.  BAyBAAAY, believe me when I tell you, them no good ass niggas listening to that show wasn’t having NO parts of it. A sampling of responses: “I don’t believe the hoes.” – Jacob “Not sure about Mya’s thinking.” – Kathy “She’s an example of an angry black women [sic] let me see if I can find Jesus for her.” – Kenneth “Mya, just answer the question, who goes to the Playboy Mansion for a job interview.” – Shapearl “Not one woman told a friend, a parent, a family member? They all kept quiet?” – Maurice “Yes, it’s very confusing…don’t dress suggestively and don’t think no one isn’t going to say something…once he put his hands in [sic] your or take it to another level then there’s a problem.” – Henry (yeah, he wants to put his hands IN you if you dare wear something that tempts his ability to keep his hands OUTSIDE of you) and then came this, the following week, when I hadn’t insulted their Hero Bill, wasn’t talkin nothing close to nothing about that man when this brain surgeon left this comment.  Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, from Mr. I Dont Believe the Hoes, himself, Jacob…   Why, yes Professor Jacob, that was me talking about getting “took” under “walker.”  I’m not sure why I should stop though.  Does getting in the car with someone I trust mean that I am not qualified as a thinking person with ideas and issues to discuss?  Did I deserve for a friend to come at me so aggressively out of absolutely no where because I accepted his lunch date?  Probably should have fleshed that whole “date” part of “lunch date” more carefully.  Huh?  Dumb me.  Unlike Rex Tillerson and his boss, I am 100% unafraid, unencumbered, unapologetic and unable to NOT call you exactly what you are…a fucking moron. See Myalogists, this is just a bit of the feedback and the majority of the problem.  Not one caller that day questioned the actions of the man.  No one wondered why he would do that to someone who trusted him, someone that considered him a friend.  But they had all the time and keyboard fingers in the world for me.  And those answers and responses are why friends, co-workers, priests, fathers, athletes, black entertainment icons and powerful Hollywood executives