Who Bit Beyonce: A Myalogy Mystery
I mean what the fuck.
Yall know that I do NOT care, cuz I am strictly #navy but, never let it be said about me that I do not have my finger on the pulse of the cultural zeitgeist. I thought by the time I woke up, Damon & Panama would have tackled this subject or the beyhive would have outed the culprit, but nope. On this here 27th day of March, Eight ante meridian in the 2018th year since people started counting, the mystery remains: WHO THE FUCK BIT BEYONCE?
You dont know what I’m talmbout? Let me catch you up. Everyone’s fave, Tiffany Haddish, which is Eritrean for “the bitch you don’t want around when shit is going down,” ran that yap she loves to run and spilled the following in an interview with GQ about this most heinous offense:
“There was this actress there,” continues Haddish, keeping her voice low, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.” One of the most things she did? “She bit Beyoncé in the face.”
Haddish declines to name the actress.
(“I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge,” said Beyoncé’s representative, Yvette Noel-Schure, when GQ sought confirmation from the singer.)
“So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish says, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ”
“And so then…,” she continues, “a lot of things happened.” According to Haddish, she and the actress continued to cross paths throughout the night, culminating in a brief standoff. The actress, at one point, told Haddish to stop dancing, which—good luck making that happen.
“And then Beyoncé and Jay-Z walked by me, and I tapped Beyoncé.” Haddish says she told Beyoncé, “I’m going to beat somebody ass at your party. I just want to let you know that.” Beyoncé asked her not to—told her to “have fun” instead. (Haddish leveraged this moment into a selfie with Beyoncé.)
“Near the end of the party,” says Haddish, describing her final run-in with Mrs. Carter sometime later, “Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’ ”
Hmmmmm, do we have, Myalogists, a fair amount of information on which to base an actual claim? I have some ideas. Here, in no particular order, are my suspects.
Maia Campbell – stick with me on this. Now, she used to date Jay and we have proof on how much of a whore he is, so maybe he likes to keep his hoes close and thats why she was at the party. There she is in this pic, looking pretty comparatively healthy in front of an Uptown step and repeat, so we can deduce she still gets invited to stuff. Bey said the “bitch” in question was not drunk, but on drugs, which certainly jibes with what we know of Ms. Campbell. Still, if she was at the party, I cant see her being able to get close to yall’s queen, nor B knowing what ol girl was or was not like all of the time, so imma stick a pin in this one. Probablity: .5 out of 5
Sanaa Lathan – it was confirmed that she was at the party. The Beyhive went on FULL attack when they figured out that she not only attended Jay’s concert, but also the afterparty where the bite in question occurred. Now, Sanaa is Hollywood Royalty and is used to nice things, so not only can I see her not biting B, but I can also see her being past the whole sex, drugs and rock’n’roll thing. Plus she denied it, and knowing all parties involved and how Haddish can not hold water, it’s highly unlikely she would deny something she knew a blabbermouth knew to be true. Probability: 0 out of 5
Rosario Dawson – oh Rosie…she that is rumored to be the subject of Jay’s Lost Ones. Not one of the hoes nor concubines, but one he actually loved. It would make more sense if Beyonce bit her on the face. She was dating this Eric Andre dude, she apparently was over the moon about, but for some reason, they broke up in December of 2017, the SAME DECEMBER OF 2017 in which Beyonce was bit. At this same party, you will remember B had to shoo some home wrecking heffa away from J. Maybe she tried to take a chunk out of Bey’s beauty in an attempt to make her not as attractive to her husband. Hmmmmm, the drugs seem a stretch and again, I cant see Bey hanging with someone Jay actually loved. Probability 1.5 out of 5
Taraji P. Henson – yall already know fam aint do this, but i needed to take up space. She too damn cool, got too many jobsssssssssssss and a fine ass boyfriend who buys her cute dogs, plus Gangsta Tiff already said it wasnt her. Probability: 0 out of 5
Issa Rae – this one hurt me to add. and the only reason I added her is because King Chrissy Teigen was shocked when she found out who it was – and who would be more shocking than this?! She lives in Cali and her dad has a medical office in Inglewood, the city that is home to the scene of the crime. Bey was able to keep her cool, cuz she KNEW that whoever did this was in an altered state and not themselves – proving that like Chrissy, she has some affinity for this person as well. But I cant see Issa wanting Jay old ass and I cant see Issa on anything other than reefah, and reefah dont make you bite people, so I’m not going. Probability 1 out of 5
Kerry Washington – I have nothing other to count on in this world, other than my gut and my gut tells me with every fiber of my being that Oliv-Kerry Washington did this. I dont know if she was there. I dont know if she was in Inglewood that day. I don’t know if she attended the concert. I dont know that she is the alledged “worst” as King Chrissy believed the offender to be, but I know she did this. She is a noted Beyonce hater, who feels that Bey should have done more to empower young women and should stop peddling sex to our children. Further more, its reported that this uppity heffa was mad that Bey stayed with Jay after the cheating was revealed. And that mouth and teeth of hers…just ripe and ready to chomp down on a perceived weaker power in an instant. It’s her…Im telling yall, its HER and if you require any more evidence, just look at the pic below…standing closer to B’s man than B is herself. Probability 50 out of 5.
Just kidding yall….I have it on good authority – my Olivia Pope hatred aside……it was none other than……
Dont let the smiles and denials fool ya….its some mighty chompers back there. When B had to step in between her and Jay at said party, La Lathan followed up with what she is telling folks was a playful bite. Problem is, she was the only one playing. Aaaaah Sanaa….see ya hosting the 2037 Trumpet Awards, the Hive shoulda let you off the hook by then.